Monday, December 18, 2006

What Does Peter King Think When He Isn't F'ing Up Fantasy Tips?

Ok, it's well documented that Peter King sucks at giving fantasy tips. It's pretty well known that he is a melba toast columnist, supposedly with a pipeline to inside info, but rarely telling us anything we don't already know. Well, Peter has a section of his Monday Morning QB column that he calls "my non-football thoughts of the week". We figured we'd take a look at it this week and see if maybe Peter is just a crappy football guy...if maybe his non-football thoughts are relevent, insightful or on-point...you know, everything his football thoughts are not..



I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week:

a. I see Prince is set to sing at halftime of the Super Bowl. What, Bobby Vinton wasn't available?

ok, he starts off with an attempt at humor...we like that...but who is Bobby Vinton?...oh an old time matinee idol singer, you say?...ok, good one Peter...way to be in tune with pop culture...

b. If there was a better two hours of TV last week than the two-hour House episode with Foreman near death, I didn't see it. Of course, I didn't watch much TV other than that.

nice...kinda playing on the Sports Guy's schtick...bringing tv into his column...oh, and then some irony...it was the only show he watched....giggles for everyone...see, Peter IS funny...and Peter IS with it...

c. Upon further review re Borat: I laughed more at Best in Show. Don't get me wrong. Borat is a good movie. It's just not the funniest movie of all time.

well, with comedy credentials like Peter's, how could we dispute this?...I mean, Peter is the guy that came up with this classic on the Jaguars performance this week: More turnovers than a Betty Crocker cookbook...deal with that zinger, Borat!

d. Coffeenerdness: I've got to tell you, Joe Torre and Phil Simms selling the green tea makes it really easy for me to have a big mug of it every afternoon. Smart ad strategy,Bigelow.

No doubt, Peter...who knows tea like Joe and Phil?...and if those guys say it's good...well, shit...sign me up, too!..hell, I'd buy dried elephant dung and make tea out of it if Joe and Phil said I should...

e. I am not the biggest NBA guy, as readers of this column must know. In fact, I'm not an NBA guy at all. But these Phoenix Suns are amazing to me. Imagine looking at the NBA schedule when it comes out if you're a Sun or Suns exec, and seeing a five-games-in-seven-nights East Coast trip (Thursday-Friday-Sunday-Monday-Wednesday), starting in the swamps of Jersey and ending in the home of the NBA champs, Miami. You'd sign for a 3-2 trip, wouldn't you? And when the first game is a double-overtime thriller (161-157 over the Nets), you wonder how much energy the team will have to play three games in the next four nights. Well, I guess the East is pathetic right now, but what Phoenix did on this trip is something special. Win by four over New Jersey, win by five in Boston, win by 30 in Charlotte, win by 14 in Orlando, win by 10 in Miami. Then they fly cross-country. One day off. And Friday they beat Golden State at home by four, and fly after the game to Sacramento to play the Kings on Saturday night. Win by seven. The final ridiculous tally: seven games in 10 nights, seven wins.

eh?...what?....oh...Sorry, any thought of Peter's that takes more than three sentences to get across...well, we certainly can't be bothered to read it...

f. Steve Nash. Drew Brees.

Umm, like, yeah..except Nash has won two straight MVPs...but other than that, they are one in the same...

g. The Daisuke Matsuzaka deal seems fair for both sides. The Red Sox pay $16.7 million a year for the best pitcher in free-agency (combining the fee to the Japanese team with the pitcher's salary). Good for them, in this crazy baseball economy. And Matsuzaka gets $8.5 million a year, knowing he's going to make millions more in endorsements (in two countries) if he's as good as he thinks he is. Re the $16.7 million a year ... Gil Meche got $11 mill. Barry Zito's going to get $16. Don't the scouts all think Matsuzaka's a can't-miss guy? Maybe not can't-miss ace, but at least can't-miss 15-game winner.

yes, I'm sure Red Sox management is hoping that Daisuke pans out to be the next Gil Meche...

h. Bill Parcells to me after the Cowboys-Falcons game: "You must be pretty happy. You signed the Japanese pitcher.'' Well, uh, shucks, I don't deserve all the credit for the signing.

and now you know why Parcells is always in such a foul mood at press conference...who can blame him...the fucker has to talk to PETER after coaching football games...

i. Sox rotation April 2-4-5 in Kansas City to open the season: Schilling, Beckett, Matsuzaka.

ummm...does Schilling know the Sox are going with that old time favorite...the three man rotation this year?...his old ass can't be happy about that....

j. Finally saw March of the Penguins. Can't believe I avoided it all these months. A terrific movie. Those penguins are heroes, as are the French filmmakers who risked their lives to tell their story. And great, understated narration by Morgan Freeman.

we have a strange suspicion that actually, March of the Penguins was the one avoiding Peter...and Peter loses even more points for calling anything French a hero...

k. I could listen to Morgan Freeman read a list of ingredients for cream of broccoli soup and be captivated.

agreed, Freeman is a wonderful narrator...although we'd wager that if he were forced to read your "coffeenerdness" entry...his wonderful voice would end up sounding like nails on a chalkboard...

4 Comments:

At 9:07 PM, Blogger Deb said...

I like red! It's neat!

 
At 9:28 PM, Blogger pass the bourbon said...

Peter? is that you?

 
At 9:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

reading peter king beats reading your crap

 
At 12:42 PM, Blogger pass the bourbon said...

"reading peter king beats reading your crap "

AGREED! You must be really bored tho...just looked at my statmeter and YOU spent 35 mins reading this blog...so, you must really enjoy crap? bit of a scatologist, are ya?

 

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