Tuesday, December 12, 2006

King Me: Week 14

On to Week 14 in the world of Peter King...Peter's "wisdom" in black...reality in red:

Most of you still playing this fantasy game are into your playoffs by now, so I don't know how much you can benefit from anything I might hear during the week.

I'm sure it can't be of any less benefit than tips from what you "heard" every week so far...cause after all...what is less beneficial than worthless?

1. Chicago offensive coordinator Ron Turner is a smart man. He knows how to find short- and intermediate-route holes for his offense. But I think the psyche of Rex Grossman is too far gone right now. If you have any option at quarterback better than, say, Bruce Gradkowski, I'd use it now.

Ron Turner may be a smart man...but Peter King is not...Grossman tossed for 200 yds 2 TDs and 0 INTs...Grossman had a better fantasy week than several QBs...Vick, Brady, Kitna, Romo, Carr, McNair, Harrington, Pennington, Garcia, Leinart, Losman, Garrard, Green...and a few others...off to a rousing Peter King start...you'd think Peter's psyche would be gone, too...and he'd stop passing out the tripe in his columns and pretending it was inside info...

2. Big night for Steven Jackson Monday. With Bears defensive tackle Tommie Harris missing at least this week, look for the Rams to be able to run and control the ball for at least 30 minutes.

Good nite for Jackson..81 yds rushing and a TD and 58 yds receiving and a TD...and the Rams did hold the ball for more than 30 mins...BUT, they were out rushed 172-101 and outscored...and only rushed 22 times...maybe the reason the Rams controlled the clock was actually due to the Bears scoring so damned quick...two 90+ yard KO returns..and 4 scoring drives all less than 5 minutes...so yeah...Peter was right...but for the WRONG reasons...but hell, at least he was right for a change...

3. I don't like the Browns to win, and I don't like Derek Anderson to have a fairy tale first start in the NFL. I don't think the Browns can block the Steelers, even the beat-up Steelers.

Anderson tossed a TD and had 276 yards...not a story book start, but not a bad first start, stat wise....BTW...does Peter think that a bunch of fantasy owners out there PICKED Anderson up this week or something?...what a bullturd tip...another of his "you have a nose on your face" deals...thanks for the advice, Peter...is the sky blue, too?...jerkoff...

4. Chester Taylor looks like he'll be nursing a bum knee the rest of the year. Normally I'd say play him against Detroit, but I wouldn't be too excited about playing him, even with Shaun Rogers being out for the year with the Lions. If you've got rushing alternatives, I'd use them.

I give Peter MAD props for this one...telling us not to play a guy that is listed as doubtful is a HUGE improvement for Peter...remember the week before last....when fatass told us to play not one, but TWO guys that were on the inactive list that week...so...while most of us would naturally take it as a given to leave a guy listed as doubtful off the roster...when PETER realizes it is a good thing to do...well, when Peter realizes it, we have to give him props...it's like when your retarded little brother manages to eat a meal without stabbing himself in the eye with his fork...Way to go, PeteyPete!....

5. I don't like Laurence Maroney's chance to bust out this week, for two reasons: New England ALWAYS struggles offensively against the Dolphins, and Maroney strained his back against the Lions last week. Be careful in assuming he'll do much in Miami.

And we didn't like Maroney's chances to bust out this week for ONE reason: HE WAS INACTIVE...but, again...Peter is improving...two weeks ago he told us to PLAY the inactive guys...it's week 14...and PeterPeterthePieEater seems to finally be figuring out how this works...

6. If I had one quarterback to play this week, it'd be Matt Leinart against Seattle ... not Peyton Manning against Jax, or Drew Brees against the 'Boys.

Leinart: 232 yds 2 TD 1 INT...And, the Cards got a nice win...BUT...let's have a gander at the guys ole Peter didn't play...Peyton Manning 313 yds 0 TD 1INT, 1 rushing TD...yeah, the Colts were beat down by J-ville...however, Manning outperformed Leinart fantasy wise...and Brees, well...5 TDs and 384 yards...hehehe...sorry...can't help giggling...even when Peter gives a tip and the guy has a decent day and his team wins...fantasy wise...Peter loses yet again...

7. Sit Terrell Owens this week. For spite.

and Peter "spites" himself out of a TD reception...which, normally isn't a big deal...but if you followed most of Peter's other "tips"...that TD might have been your only chance at points this week....

8. If you follow the Jets, you see how Eric Mangini is one of the biggest what-have-you-done-for-me-lately coaches on earth. Therefore, play Cedric Houston in your backfield because he has done an awful lot for Mangini lately.

Cedric responds to Peter's confident endorsement with 50 yds and no TDs...the infamous Peter King Fecal Touch...


9. Play Marion Barber. Bench Julius Jones.

And Jones let's us know what kind of tip (hint: it rhymes with shit) this was on his first carry of the game with a 77 yd TD jaunt...and totalled 116 yards on just 10 carries...and the guy he wanted us to play : Barber?...umm....-1 yard....thanks Peter!...how bout a reach around next time, pal!

10. Is there any warm-blooded receiver Green Bay hasn't tried out this year? Now it's 2004 Notre Dame QB Carlyle Holiday. The 49ers will blitz Brett Favre from the time he gets off the bus Sunday. I don't like Green Bay's offense to do much in this one.

We admit...we take GREAT pleasure in this one...because it is a double dose of Peter shitting the bed...first...the Pack rolled up 30 points and 420 yards of total offense...Favre threw for 293 yds 2 TDs and 0 INTs...Driver racked up 160 yds and a TD reception...AND...a few weeks ago PeterthePieEater told us to take the 'Niners D for the playoff run...since that tip...the Niners D has been HORRID...sorry, we giggle like little girls when Peter gives us tips like this one...tips like this are the personification of what a Peter King column is usually all about...crap, crap and more crap...

Ladies and Gentlemen: Peter King, your football expert and fantasy guru.

2 Comments:

At 11:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL

dude, your King Me column is become a weekly classic

 
At 11:42 AM, Blogger pass the bourbon said...

i don't what i am gonna post when the season ends and peter isn't around...guess i will just have to make a trip to starbucks every sunday afternoon and then post about it :)

 

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