Monday, December 18, 2006

King Me: Weak 15

On to Peter King's Weak 15 tips (as always, Peter's "tips" in black, reality in red):


With my advice being as sketchy as it's been -- the Dallas-New Orleans game was 10 seconds old when Julius Jones, who I'd told you to sit, bolted from Irving to San Antonio on the Cowboys' first series last week -- I'm amazed you're logging on for this. But I'll try to do better this week. Promise. My 10 tips:

I assure you Peter, no one is logging in for your "tips"...we are logging in to laugh our asses off at the fact that you get paid for this...and we don't...wait, actually...that isn't all that funny...

1. I like Matt Leinart a lot playing at home against Denver. Three straight weeks of completing over 60 percent, and now he faces a once-formidable Denver defense, which is starting to look like it's playing out the string. Play Leinart.

And Leinhart promptly throws for 214 yards, 0 Tds and 2 INTs...woohoo...off to a typical Peter King start...a guy doing perfectly fine...until Peter zaps him...

2. Speaking of the Cards on offense, the Broncos will be all over Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald. I like Bryant Johnson's fit in this offense, and you can tell Leinart's looking for him more and more each week.

Boldin and Fitzgerald shared the team lead for catches, with 5, for the day...and Johnson hauled in 2 catches from Leinart...let the Peter King crapfest keep on rollin'...

3. I know they're at home, but I don't like much about the Falcons this week. You're not going to know until Saturday if Warrick Dunn's strained calf will allow him to play, and Michael Vick is sore and beat-up, so much so that Jim Mora doesn't want him to run any more than he has to. Plus, Bill Parcells will not be kind to his team in practice this week. It all adds up to frustrating day for the Atlanta offense on Saturday.

actually, the ATL offense outgained Dallas, rushed for over 100 yds, and Vick threw for 4 TDs...Vick ran 8 times for 56 yards, also...Dallas won...but the ATL offense did have a decent day...

4. Steve McNair has thrown two interceptions in the seven weeks Brian Billick has been calling offensive plays for Baltimore. In other words, with Cleveland coming to town, play McNair -- unless you've got Peyton Manning or Drew Brees on your roster.

in theory, this is a reasonable tip...BUT, remember the FECAL TOUCH...you know, everything that Peter touches turns to shit...McNair hurt his hand and ended up going 0-4 with 0 yds...and yes, THIS IS PETER'S fault...

5. If you scout the Buffalo Bills, you know the ball's going deep to Lee Evans once or twice every Sunday, minimum. Yet J.P. Losman's still able to get it to him. Moral of the story: Don't be scared off by defensive player of the year Jason Taylor chasing down Losman on Sunday in Orchard Park, play Evans at any cost this week. And if you can slip in Roscoe Parrish, you know how much I like him.

Roscoe didn't put up any numbers...but, as far as a Peter King tip goes, I guess this was as good as it gets: Evans 3 catches, 67 yards and 1 TD...not a lot of fantasy points, which goes without saying when Peter gives a tip...but at least he didn't come up completely empty...hats off to Peter...he wiped his ass and came out with a dingleberry...nicely done!

6. Antsy about playing Ben Roethlisberger because of all the receiver problems with the Steelers? Don't be. Not this week, anyway. The Panthers host Ben, and Hines Ward is likely to return after two weeks rehabbing a 'scoped knee. Play Ben, and play Santonio Holmes. I'm not sold on Holmes, but he gets the start against some lousy cornerbacks this week.

Big Ben put up 141 yards and 1 passing and 1 rushing TD...this is Peter's once a week winner!...ding ding ding...Holmes did nothing, so that kinda hurts the overall tip...AND, we thank Peter for not mentioning Fast Willie Parker's name...as willie had a great game as a result...

7. I'll tell who's slumping. David Carr. One TD pass in his last seven games. If you play him, Bruce Gradkowski must be your other quarterback. And what are you doing in the playoffs with David Carr as your guy? The only Texan worth a look this week, with the battered Pats' defense, is battering ram Ron Dayne.

I'll tell you who sucks at fantasy tips...Peter King...wtf?...who the hell is playing David Carr at this point in the season...this is Peter's weekly "nose on your face" tip...telling us NOT to play the shitty guy...thanks...any other nonperforming also rans we should avoid, Petey?

8. Hmmm. Cincinnati-Indy. Don't be so sure Rudi Johnson will rush for 240. Tony Dungy and defensive coordinator Ron Meeks will put an eighth body down in the box often Monday night -- even if it's softer sub safety Matt Giordano -- to make sure the Bengals running game doesn't gash the Colts like Jacksonville did last week.

Not gonna bother to wait for this game to post...obviously, Peter gives us NO reason for any confidence in his tip...we can assume, based on the results from what he has "heard" in the past...that Giordano will be cut before the game and never see the field...

9. The Eagles' run defense is killing them lately, and it isn't helping that Brodrick Bunkley is playing so sparingly. The coaches don't like his practice effort. It's a given you'll play Tiki Barber if you have him, but look for the Giants to try to wear down the Philly defensive front with Brandon Jacobs more than usual on Sunday.

and right on cue...Jacobs gets 3 carries for 13 yards...that inside info is gold, Peter...pure gold...

10. With the Saints sure to be blitzing rookie quarterback Jason Campbell, look for lots of throws to H-back Chris Cooley, who already leads the 'Skins with five touchdown catches.

4 catches and 80 yds for Cooley...no TDs...eh...is that lots of throws?...naw...but, shit, this is Peter...and Cooley did lead the team in catches...we'll get into the holiday spirit and give this one to Peter...


For those of you who have been keeping tabs on Peters performance up to this week, the stats breakdown and look like this:

Peter sucks.


Ladies and Gentlemen: Peter King, your fantasy guru and football expert.

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