Sunday, December 03, 2006

King Me: This Week in Peter King















1. Pick up Roscoe Parrish if you can. Jauron tells me he's had a hammy that has limited him in the regular offense, but he's going to get more and more snaps down the stretch. He'd gone four games without catching a pass in a game until his key sideline catch on the final drive that led to the game-winning field goal against the Jags. Look for him to break a return in the last month, and to play 20 snaps a game as a slot receiver who gets downfield.

That's super, Peter! Pick up this guy in the hopes he has a return TD over the next month?...one touchdown a month equals HUGE fantasy points, huh?...they may as well crown me fantasy champion now, huh?...And look for him to play 20 plays a game...again: SUPER...unfortunately, the last time I checked, you don't get fantasy points for the number of plays a player is in the game for or how many times he runs downfield; WITHOUT the ball...but you do get fantasy points for their stats...and Roscoe had 3 catches for 33 yards and one punt return for 6 yards...off to a rousing Peter King start: not only shitty reasoning for picking a guy up...but also shitty stats...that sounds like Peter's patented recipe for a shit sandwhich...served up fresh weekly in his fantasy picks column...

2. Just a hunch: Got a tough playoff matchup down the stretch? Your running back playing the Ravens or Chargers' or Bears' or Vikes' (rushing) D? Four names: Kevin Faulk, Justin Fargas, Najeh Davenport, Maurice Hicks. The latter's an interesting guy, because you wonder if Frank Gore can keep up his strong play on a 306-carry pace.

I'm sensing a new method for Peter...instead of giving predictions for the week...he is now breaking out his shotgun and capping off shells hoping to pick a duck out of the flock...anyway...Kevin Faulk: No rushes...he did have 8 rec's for 59 yards...Justin Fargas: 14 carries for 49 yards and a TD...Najeh Davenport: 6 rushes for 8 yards...Maurice Hicks: 1 carry for 5 yards...so, anyway, for this week...these tips provided some wonderful nuggets for Peter's sandwich...

3. Re: the Ravens running game, pick up Musa Smith if you can. He's had 12 rushes over the past two games, and you can never tell if the workload for Jamal Lewis (22 carries a game in the 5-0 Ravens' streak since Brian Billick took over the playcalling, and nursing a bruised foot) will get him nicked much more down the stretch. And if he has to miss time, Billick loves Musa Smith. He'll run him a load.

Yea, well...this week the only load is Peter's advice...no rushes for Musa...and again...a pick that we can't fully ridicule until the season is over...WTF, Peter?...this BS with the long term advice and what if so and so gets hurt needs to end...we prefer the instant gratification of illustrating what a moron you are...making us wait four weeks to point it out is just cruel...

4. Just to clarify something for you guys in keeper leagues: Mike Vick is not going to be traded after the season. Repeat: NOT going to be traded. Feel free to quote me to scuttle any rumors you might hear about that. And plan accordingly.

And the shit sandwich just became a double decker...now he is giving advice for next year...I'm not an insider like Peter is...but how can you scuttle rumors that don't have legs yet?

5. As long as you're taking my word on something, the other thing you can take to the bank this week is that Braylon Edwards is going to have a bunch of chances against Kansas City. A whole bunch. What he does with those chances I don't know. But Charlie "Thanks For Getting the Dust Off My Jersey'' Frye will throw to him a lot.

6...that is how many passes Edwards had thrown at him...6...he caught 3 for 36 yards and a TD...much like the sandwich Peter has put together...his word that Edwards would have a "bunch" of chances, was, SHIT...6 is not a bunch of chances...

6. Frank Gore's shin, by the way? Fine. He'll start at New Orleans.

umm...ok...but he also had 5 carries for 28 yards...Peter just added double the meat to the shit sandwich...again, to my knowledge, you DON'T get points for starting...

7. Kelly Washington's hammy? Not so fine on a short week. I'd sit the fourth Bengals receiver (which you probably would have anyway against the Ravens' D).

nicely done, Peter...pick the Bengals' injured 4th receiver and sit him against one of the top defenses...another of Peter's patented "you have a nose on your face" tips...this is the pickle on the shit sandwich...

8. The Bengal I'd be sure to play is Reggie Kelly, the tight end. With the Baltimore pass-rush looking like it's rushing 11 on every passing down, Carson Palmer's going to need his intermediate option all night.

umm...yea....0 catches for 0 yards...that sandwich gets tastier with every bite...thanks, Peter...

9. Be very, very thankful you picked up Sammy Morris, if you did. Without Ronnie Brown, out with a broken bone in his hand, Nick Saban will use his power runner to chew up the clock against Jacksonville.

...but NO thanks to you...after checking past weeks, Peter never advised anyone to pick up Sammy...although he phrases this tip as if he did...anyway, Morris had a pedestrian 12 carries for 47 yards and no TDs...basically, Peter tries to make us think he advised us to pick up Morris in foresight of Brown's injury...but Morris had a non-productive fantasy day anway...mmm, yummy.

10. Tough game for San Diego in Buffalo. Very tough. Not that I'd sit LaDainian Tomlinson, but I might sit Philip Rivers, with a forecast of possible snow showers, a good breeze and a high of 34. The Bills are praying for snow to welcome Tomlinson back to western New York for his first visit since Dec. 15, 2002, his second season. He ran for 110 that day, but the Bills won 20-13. Sports quiz: Which two quarterbacks piloted the Chargers that day? If you guessed Drew Brees, relieved by Doug Flutie, you win a lifetime subscription to this column.

Not sure exactly what the tip here was...if the tip was to sit Rivers...he went for 160 yards passing and a TD...not a great fantasy day, BUT, more points than almost all of the players Peter ADVISED that you play...if the insinuation was that LT might not have a big day...he went for 178 rushing and 2 TDs...again, I don't know what the hell the advice here was...

Well, another great week of advice. Peter fed us a shit sandwich piled high and packed thick. Thanks, Peter....that was delicious!

Ladies and Gentlemen: Peter King, your football expert and fantasy guru.

BTW: Last week Peter suggested that you pick up the 'Niner's defense for your playoff run. We predicted that Peter's fecal touch would take contol...and since he recommended picking them up, they have had two of their most unproductive fantasy weeks of the year...guess that is the turd brownie to follow this week's shit sandwich...thanks, Peter, but that's enough...we are full.

4 Comments:

At 12:14 PM, Blogger Purdue Matt said...

Hilarious! Great post.

 
At 1:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

HA! once again he stinks it up!

 
At 2:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are just NOW figuring out King sucks?

 
At 2:53 PM, Blogger pass the bourbon said...

um...we have been following and posting his fantasy tips most of the season...

 

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