Monday, December 25, 2006

King Me: Penultimate Edition

And it's time for our Christmas installment of this week in Peter King:

Let's see if Santa is giving Peter a lump of coal for his picks this week. We already know Peter is getting a lump of shit for the season thus far. (Peter in black, reality in red):

Lou Merloni called the other day. Remember Lou? He came up with the Red Sox as an infielder and went on to play for the Padres, Indians and Angels. Now he's trying to catch on with some National League team as a utility infielder. I got to know him a few years ago talking fantasy football in the Indians' clubhouse in spring training.

"Hey,'' he said, "I'm in the playoffs against Hafner.'' I knew immediately who he meant -- Travis Hafner. The Indians/Buffalo Bisons Triple-A team fantasy football league. I'm sure it has a more formal name, but he called out of the blue to shoot the breeze about who to play and who not to play. Since he knows more about the NFL than 99.9 percent of the human race, I was going to be of no good use to him.

Either Peter is making this up, or Lou Merloni has never read a Peter King column. Anyone that has ever read so much as one week of his fantasy advice would NEVER ask again...Let's change the "him" to "anyone" in Peter's last phrase; and put it on his tombstone.

Now onto the tips of the week:

1. It'd surprise me if Favre doesn't have a big night against Minnesota on Thursday. First of all, he's good at going to school on what other teams do to opponents, and Chad Pennington just had his best game of the year against the Viking secondary. Secondly, the Pack's not going to run much on these Vikes. Thirdly, it's going to be 35 and spitting a cold rain; the Vikes are not a cold-weather team. Just a hunch, but I think Favre's going to have a two-touchdown, 250-yardish night.

good at going to school on what other teams do to opponents?...what a bullshit "point"...unless he hasn't "gone to school" against most of his opponents the past two years when he has played like garbage, this is a bullshit thing to suggest as being a factor in him having a "big game" this week...Favre did his best to give the game away with two the end he threw for 285 and 0 TD...and overall was pretty crappy...

2. Something smells rotten about the Bengals in Denver on Sunday. Palmer's shoulder hurts. Chad Johnson's got a bad ankle. Denver might be frightfully cold. I don't know. I wouldn't recommend you bench Palmer unless you've got a cushy alternative, but if you do, you've got some thinking to do. Merloni's in his title game, and he has till Sunday to decide if he should play Palmer at Denver or Cleveland's Derek Anderson at home against Tampa Bay. I don't like either alternative much, but I told Lou to monitor the injury Web sites throughout the weekend to see about Palmer's wing.

I give Peter credit for suggesting that Lou get his information on injuries from a source other than Peter...Peter's history in that department has been that special type of shit that it takes an entire roll of TP to wipe clean...this is the BEST tip Peter has EVER given: go somewhere else for the information. FINALLY, a Peter King tip EVERYONE can implement without worrying about looking like a jackass later...

3. Play Ron Dayne if you're in a running-back pickle this weekend. He's going against the Colts at home, and Gary Kubiak's wary of putting the game in the hands of badly slumping David Carr.

the brilliance of Peter's previous tip has seeped into this one...Dayne rolled for over 150 yards and a couple of TDs....Go, Peter, Go!

4. I know the Patriots have been aces against the run this year, but with Fred Taylor either out or badly hobbled with the bad hammy, I think Maurice Jones-Drew is a solid play at home.

WOW! Peter is on a roll, after giving his greatest tip ever!...maybe that tip took all the pressure off?...I dunno...but this is the FIRST time he has EVER had two straight tips that were TOTALLY on point...we are off to buy a powerball ticket RIGHT now..

5. Go get Seattle wideout D.J. Hackett off waivers. You'll appreciate the advice when he catches six balls Sunday against the Chargers. No Darrell Jackson (toe) means lots of Hackett.

ohhhhhh...and the hottest streak of Peter's season two: 3 catches for Hackett.

6. Aaron Brooks is 1-15 in his past 16 starts. Do not play him unless you are threatened at gunpoint to do so.

...and Peter confirms that his run of brilliance is over...did you hear that?...all you guys that were gonna start Aaron Brooks in your playoffs...did you hear that?...Peter's tip was not to play him...Thanks, fuckstick...we are forced at gunpoint to stop being nice to Peter after a "nose on your face" tip like that...

7. I'm not saying LaDainian Tomlinson is going to be sitting a quarter or two against Seattle, but you could do worse than to play Michael Turner as well. He's back from his ouchy hamstring.

Tomlinson rushed for over 120 on 22 carries...Turner got the ball 4 times for 29 yards..the old Peter has reared his ugly head...and stuck it up his ass...

8. No way you can pick up Arnaz Battle this weekend, is there? He's Alex Smith's favorite receiver now, and he's going to make hay against Arizona.

if "hay" is a whopping 55 yards and 0 TDs...then Battle had a "hay" day...

9. Eddie Kennison will have a tough matchup this weekend, going against Oakland cornerback Nnamdi Asomugha. But the desperation of the Chiefs, plus the running-game struggles of the offense in the past couple of weeks, should result in six or eight balls being thrown at Kennison on Saturday.

was going to check the play by play and see how many times Kennison got thrown to...but then realized...who the fuck don't get FANTASY points for the number of times you are thrown to...and these are supposedly fantasy tips....Kennison: 1 catch for 6 yards..

10. I've told you good things about David Thomas, the New England tight end playing in the shadow of Ben Watson and Daniel Graham. This is the week, at Jacksonville, that Thomas could be the offensive factor he's been trained to be.

83 yards and a TD...this is hands down Peter's best week ever.

Peter roared to 4 correct tips this week. And gave his most worthwhile tip yet: Check with someone else.

Ladies and Gentlemen: Peter King, your football expert and fantasy guru.


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