Friday, November 24, 2006

The Playmaker Chronic-les

Michael Irvin. To know him is to love him. Renowned for his incredible effort on the field and for being the heart and soul of a Cowboy dynasty. Now, frequently in the news for his "interesting" views and statements from his perch on ESPN. Always smiling and dressed to the nines, The Playmaker has become the Teflon sports commentator. Seems the man can say just about anything and all he gets is, at worst, a scolding from Tom Jackson: "Are YOU retarded?"

His most recent contribution to the blogosphere was his insinuation (maybe not a strong enough word) on the Dan Patrick Show that Tony Romo is as good as he seems to be because one of his female ancestors went out behind the woodpile with an African slave. Yes. We know. It HAD to be a joke. But the reality is, if any such joke comes across pale, thin lips; it results in termination. But Irvin is able to brush his shoulder off, smile and slide on down the way. The Teflon sports commentator.

In case you have forgotten his past, have a gander at this compilation of his greatest hits. And remember: Statistics show that people generally only get caught 1 out of every 75-100 times. Imagine the Playmaker stories that are still out there!

1996: Irvin and former Cowboy Alfredo Roberts are arrested, found in a hotel with a few ladies and plenty of coke. Rumors of sex toys abounded, including a phallus taped to a photographer’s monopod. Gotta be able to reach the girls from all the way over at the coke table, right?

A Police Officer pleads guilty for paying to have Irvin killed. Problems between Irvin and the cops girlfriend led the cop to make payments to an undercover DEA agent.

Irvin is accused of holding a gun to a stipper’s head while teammate Erik Williams raped her. The stripper was later convicted of perjury.

2000: In the wrong place at the wrong time, Irvin is busted with the sister of a fugitive police were searching an apartment with plenty of drugs. He had recently completed his probation for the cocaine rap. The interesting part of this is that the police were searching for the woman because she was believed to be involved in the selling of the heroin that killed former Irvin teammate Mark Tuinei.

2001: Irvin surrenders after an arrest warrant for felony cocaine possession is issued on him.

2005: The incident with the crack pipe. The "I took it from my friend" excuse.

These are just the criminal incidents.

The legend of the White House in Valley Ranch, a place to run hookers and party for the team members, led to one of our favorite quotes:

Nate Newton said, "We got a little place over here where we’re running whores in and out, trying to be responsible, and we’re criticized for that, too."

And finally, one of the less publicized Irvin incidents:

In training camp in 1998, players were lined up to get hair cuts in the dorm. Irvin was in a rush (probably to get to the White House) and cut the line. Lineman Everett McIver grabbed him and told him to get back in line. The requisite brawl breaks out and Irvin grabs a pair of scissors. He cuts McIver....across the throat. The coach at the time poo-pooed the event, saying boys will be boys. Witnesses were shocked that Irvin sliced a guy across the throat with scissors.

Now, do you really think someone from ESPN is going to confront Irvin about his racial jokes, and risk a Columbian necktie? Irvin is the Teflon Playmaker. He should be in the Penn, but instead is on ESPN. You can't touch this!


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